My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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