She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
