So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
