If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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