Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
