please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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