did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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