Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
