I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize