If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
