Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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