And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Someone signed my nipple.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
