i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
