my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
