When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
