I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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