She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
