It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
