That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
