On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Randomize