It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
