I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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