The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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