I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
