Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
