A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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