woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
