the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
