either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
