I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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