If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
