Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
