why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
