why didn't you poke me back
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize