i love accidental penises.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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