Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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