Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
