He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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