DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
