i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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