Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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