He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
