They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
