Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
