He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You left your phone here
Wait...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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