I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
