She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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