he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We need to rekindle our bromance
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
