is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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