Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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