Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is Oprah even human
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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