fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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