Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
