What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
