She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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