Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
