cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
operation harelip BJ is a go
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
