Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
