well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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