Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
