I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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