Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You need a sexual gate keeper
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
